All You Need is Love...?

"There is nothing you can do that can't be done

Nothing you can sing that can't be sung

Nothing you can say

But you can learn how to play the game

It's easy

Nothing you can make that can't be made

No one who can save that can't be save

Nothing you can do

But can learn to be you in time

It's easy

All You Need Is Love

All You Need Is Love

All You need Is Love, Love

Love Is All You Need..."

LOVE

Love between parent and child. Between spouses/life partners. Between friends. Between siblings, neighbors, classmates, teammates. Love between partners, employees, cities, even countries.

Love for chocolate, tropical beaches, the mountains, favorite movies and books, love for nature, the feeling of holding a warm, snuggly baby, love for the smell of coconut sunscreen, the taste of favorite foods, the bliss of bed at the end of a long day.

LOVE is clearly all around us. But is it really all we need?

Well, if you believe the songs on the radio, the books on our shelves, and the quotes plastered all over art and social media, then, yes, it is.

Before we can decide if love is all we need, let's establish what love actually is. According to the dictionary, love is "an intense feeling of deep affection." Geez, is that all? Depending on who or what we're talking about, I daresay most of us would agree that love is more than merely deep affection, but for the sake of today, let's agree that it is an intense feeling for which there really aren't words. And to keep this article from becoming a novel, we'll narrow our focus to relationship-between-two-people love.

Let's take a look at the example of who we'll call Patty and Stan. The first time they met, it felt as if they were "coming home." Their attraction was instant, their connection was palpable, and their friendship deep. Marriage and 4 kids later, Patty and Stan found more to love about each other every day. As life partners, parents, and friends, they spent their days supporting each other, communicating well about day-to-day life, and absolutely enraptured with raising a family together. They were as in love with each other as the day they met.

Life wasn't without its challenges, though. Among other lessons, Patty and Stan had to learn the meaning of healthy communication. Patty had to come to terms with asking for what she needed without losing her temper. Stan's lesson was to engage in confrontation, rather than putting up walls and simply agreeing just to keep the peace. A lot of learning and growing and positive change was necessary, and it was their love for each other and their family that propelled them to push through the rough patches.

Apparently a pretty perfect picture. Well, I'll cut to the chase and tell you that, as it turned out, Stan struggled with a growing gambling addiction. At first it was just friendly, small bets at boys' poker night, a quick game of pool, the Sunday football get-together with the neighbors. As life's stresses climbed, so did the gambling stakes, and Stan found it harder and harder to control his need for just one more bet.

I won't get into the details of addiction at this time - that's a story for another day. Let me just say that what Stan needed was high-quality support and assistance from an experienced mental health professional. There is truly hope for him, but asking for it will have to be a choice he makes.

After years of attempted communication, counseling, understanding the "why" behind Stan's behavior, private therapy for Patty (who genuinely wanted to learn about her own

co-dependence and the part she was playing in her marriage), and a continual cycle of heartbreak then reconciliation, heartbreak then reconciliation, Patty had just enough strength left to file for divorce. She was mentally, emotionally, and physically depleted from "waiting for the other shoe to drop," and, despite how much she loved Stan, the pain finally outweighed their shared love.

Here's another example. We'll call him Joe. Joe KNOWS that his mother, Sue, loves him - she'd always been profuse in her affection, attention, and profession of love. At the same time, however, her erratic, often childish, immature, emotionally unhealthy behavior put their relationship on a crazy train that was going off the rails. Although Joe loved his mother dearly and believed in his mother's love, the wall between them continued to grow to a height of no return. "I love her, but I can't spend much time with her. She's my mom, but I don't want my life entangled with hers at this point in my adult life. Her antics are too damaging for my family and me. I just can't put up with it, anymore."

All this LOVE between Patti and Stan, soulmates and life partners; so much love between Joe and Sue, mother and son. Sorry to inform The Captain and Tennille, but love did not keep them together. What was lacking and desperately needed from both of these relationships was trust and the courage and honesty to face deep, personal issues. In other words, real emotional health and all that comes with it.

Clearly, you can love the heck out of someone, love them so much that it hurts, love them so hard that you'd give your last breath for them, but a solid, emotionally healthy, happy relationship can't live on love alone. It needs trust, honesty, courage, kindness, self-awareness, caring, healthy communication, affection, compromise, respect, and on and on and on of the good stuff.

It's important to distinguish between feeling the feelings of love and acting lovingly. They are two entirely different matters. Joe's mother loves him, would stand in front of a moving train for him, but her fits of anger, emotional tantrums, manipulation, and apparent woundedness are hardly actions of love.

Stan was an amazing husband and friend to Patti, a dedicated and involved father to their children, an all-around great guy, hard-working, affectionate, supportive, funny, intelligent, and caring. Although his addiction stems from childhood, and he had no malicious wish to hurt his family, his behavior was not serving him nor his family, and was, in fact, far from loving.

Love brings us together, but it takes emotional health - and then some - to keep us together. Granted, the deep love we have for someone can, indeed, be the catalyst for us to make positive changes. It can also be the reason we sometimes hang on long after the expiration date.

Patti: "I loved Stan so much, I liked him so much, and I admired so many things about him that I hung on way too long. I let the emotionally damaging aspects of our relationship push me almost to my breaking point, all because of my love for him."

Parents are some of the most challenging people to set boundaries with for a myriad of reasons, but Joe's love for himself, wife, and kids allowed him to set healthy boundaries and limits regarding time spent with Grandma Sue. Giving himself permission to remove himself and his family when Sue's less than positive behavior arose, not only served Joe and his family, but also served Sue, in that it gave her the opportunity to be responsible for her own actions (whether she assumed that responsibility or not). Joe: "I can love her a lot more with distance between us."

The trials, tribulations, and challenges we face with the ones we love are so often the very mirrors we need to propel us toward self-awareness, healing and positive change. (More on that subject later.)

The downfall of Patti's marriage was the catalyst for her own positive, personal change. Through hypnotherapy, she was able to heal the parts of herself that felt responsible for others' behavior, and she was able to feel genuine love for herself. She also realized that if she truly loved her children, it was imperative for her to set a loving, healthy example for them. And when it came down to it, Patty knew that setting healthy boundaries was the most loving thing she could do for Stan. The frustration, anger, resentment, and disappointment she felt for him were no longer a part of their relationship. She was giving him the gift of his freedom to work on his issues in his own good time.

Same ending for Joe. Through hypnotherapy, he learned that, in spite of the innate, deep love he shared with his mom, setting healthy boundaries was the most loving action possible for everyone involved.

So, let's recap here.

Both Patty and Joe started out with great, shared LOVE with another. Through emotional challenges, they grew and evolved toward

LOVE for self,

providing LOVING actions for those they were responsible for,

setting LOVING boundaries, and

LOVINGLY letting go of unloving behavior.

Sounds like a whole lotta LOVE going around.

When we look at it from that perspective, maybe love isn't enough to keep us together.

But, as it turns out, maybe LOVE, after all, IS ALL WE NEED.